on the 29th of august

one year ago I was sitting in my office wrapping up another long week at work, 

when I opened this:

and my world was forever changed. 

CHOSEN.

God chose us,

 and we chose him back. 

we chose adoption.

"S" chose adoption for the baby growing inside her. 

and then she chose us. 

Isaiah 41:9-10

"I took you from the ends of the earth,

from the farthest corners I called you. 

I said, 'You are my servant,'

I have chosen you & have not rejected you.

So do not fear, 

for I am with you;

do not dismayed for I am your God:

I will strengthen you, 

I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

I read the email. 

over and over and over again. 

I immediately called Rob,

"We've been chosen. We've been chosen. A mom chose us."

he was walking with his football team on the way to practice. 

I immediately heard the emotion in his voice, 

overcome with joy.

it is good to remember days like this, 

to reflect on God's faithfulness throughout our journey to become a family of 3. 

some days fear starts to creep in when thinking about the future.

we sense God preparing us for things and know that our family is not done growing.

we still pray and talk about what that may look like, 

and how God might want to grow our family.

and I start to wonder how I will be able to do it all, 

and then He reminds me:

"I will strengthen you,

I will help you, 

I will uphold you."

the future may seem unsure in my mind, 

but it is certain and settled in His.

He knows what is coming, 

nothing catches Him by surprise. 

He is already at work preparing us for what lies ahead. 

You see, I only need to look back ONE YEAR to be reminded 

of all the ways that God is at work in the details. 

august 2014: 

we were coming out of an intense emotional season,

and I felt hopeful yet the wait was feeling grueling. 

one morning right at the beginning of the month, 

I felt the Lord say to me, 

A baby is coming this month. 

I had no reason to believe that August would be "match month."

in fact, I had been bracing myself for a much longer wait. 

I am a little embarrassed to admit that I thought this word from the Lord must mean a pregnancy. 

pregnancy felt like a "sure thing" so that *must* be how God planned to make this happen. 

ha. 

so imagine my disappointment when half way through the month it became obvious that this was not the case. 

and then August 29th came. 

I had nearly forgotten about the quiet promise that God has whispered to my heart at the beginning of the month. 

or maybe I just started to question whether I had heard correctly. 

and then, 

there it was. 

once again. 

His faithfulness. 

His goodness. 

His provision. 

so when the world starts to feel a little shaky, 

I am reminded that God knew. 

the building of our sweet family of 3 did not catch him by surprise, 

he was at work all along the way, 

bringing redemption and breathing hope, 

working out the details and knitting our hearts together with a woman who lived halfway across the country, 

who was carrying a baby that she would lovingly and bravely place into our arms, 

entrusting us with the task of parenting him. 

today marks one year that we have prayed specifically for this sweet boy.

yesterday marked 39 weeks since the day we first laid eyes on him and held him in our arms.
which means he has now been with me as long as he was with her.
39 weeks. 

And so today, as I reflect on the past year I am filled with a love and joy that makes my heart feel like it will burst wide open. And, yet, nestled right next to that love and joy is also sadness - for her and for him, for what they both lost on that day 39 weeks ago.

I've become accustomed to this place of deep feeling - both immense joy and immense sorrow.
It is the way of adoption, I've found.
I felt it last august 29th, too.
Joy. Sadness. Hope. Sorrow. Love. and Loss.
all strokes that together paint the most beautiful picture of redemption and faithfulness.

as we face the future, and what often feels so scary and uncertain,
may I continue to choose LOVE over fear.
may His perfect Love cast out all fear, as I walk in the confidence of knowing

that we are chosen 

and deeply loved. 

against all hope, I hope.

today my bible reading landed me in Romans 3 & 4.

"against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became

the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him...

without weakening in his faith, he faced the facts 

that his body was as good as dead-since he was about 100 years old - 

and that Sarah's womb was also dead. 

Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, 

but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 

being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promise.

I read these words several times, 

over and over. 

then I copied them in my journal, 

wanting to press them deeply into the pages of my heart.

asking God to give me faith like Abraham. 

that I would hope against all hope. 

friends, I started my day rooted in this truth, 

with a hopeful spirit.

and tonight I sit here feeling weary and deflated (not defeated. oh no, not defeated. just deflated.)

that's real talk. 

now hear this: I AM hopeful.
truly. 

even in this moment I have hope. 

but I don't FEEL hopeful. 

tonight when I sat down with my journal, 

the words that poured forth were different than those of this morning,

but none less sincere, honest, or true. 

tonight I pressed words to page in hopes that the writing

would be like a sweet aloe to my sunburned soul. 

and as I was writing to Jesus
I realized that others, too, may be struggling to hope against all hope. 

so I returned back to this space,

this sacred and scary space,

of vulnerability and courage, 

of connection and encouragement. 

tonight, honestly,  I feel sad. 

I find myself asking, "Lord, when will I get to be a mom? Is it coming? Will it ever come?"

Some days the aching is more intense, 

the longing more acute. 

today happens to be one of those days. 

I am hopeful because I believe in God's promises- to me and to you. 

I believe that he has called us to adopt and he has created us to parent, 

so I choose HOPE in these moment,
holding fasts to words that He has spoken over me during this journey.

I wonder if Abraham ever had nights like mine tonight, 

nights when hope didn't come as easily,

when he had to choose to recite the promises over and over again in his head. 

I wonder if his heart ever felt heavy with longing

instead of light with hope. 

I wonder if there were days when Abraham questioned whether he had heard God correctly, 

or if his memory was failing in his old age. 

I find comfort in imagining these human moments of Abraham's,

because it is in those moments that my story intersects his. 

When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, 

we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures,

have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. 

-Henri Nouwen

when I read about the faith and hope of Abraham I am encouraged, 

both by what is recorded in the actual words about him,

and by what I read in those spaces between. 

as I place myself in the story of Abraham and Sarah,

I feel a warm, tender hand,

and HOPE returns. 

against all hope, I continue to hope. 

unwavering through faith. 

believing in His promises. 

*posted without editing so I won't change it all. but forgive any type-o's! 

throwing open some windows

today it is easy to be an "over-sharer."

we've all seen it happen:

maybe you laugh when you see it happen, or roll your eyes?
maybe you are like me and you cringe a little?
(okay, calm down, everyone....not so much about foursquare and updates about where you're at...unless you've given us a play-by-play of your day...)
it could be the therapist in me, or maybe it is my own fear and insecurities (probably both),
but when I see people sharing intimate information out on the internet, I get a little nervous.
I don't want to see people get hurt (read: I am afraid I will be hurt) by this over-sharing phenomenon.

therefore, I tend to navigate myself toward the other end of the spectrum.
my tendency is to hold things close to my heart,
only sharing them with my journal and Jesus until it I have a handle on what is going on,
then I will talk with my husband and those the closest to me.

don't get me wrong, I have moments of brave vulnerability.
and, honestly, those moments most often turned out to be beautiful moments of connection, clarity, and healing.

and yet, here I am, realizing that it is time to stop holding all the cards so close.


here's what I have come to realize:
I need to write, and not just in my journal.
I need to share my story, and not just "some time down the road."

because it is in the writing that I find clarity and healing.
and it is in the sharing that God will get the glory.

my story is an important part of His story.
what's going on in my life matters.
(which means, what's going on in YOUR life matters, too. you're welcome, in case you didn't make that connection on your own)

 -----

yesterday morning I was sitting in church and I was S T R U G G L I N G to focus on the words being sung and spoken. I just.could.not.focus on Jesus, no matter how hard I tried.
my thoughts kept wandering back to me.myself.mine.
and when this is occurring and all the sudden you realize: "wow. I am vain," this is not pleasant.

it's time to throw open some windows and let the Light shine in. 

the last few months have been hard. painful.
some of the most raw, fragile moments of my life.

here it goes:

late December we began hearing rumors of things not going well in the Ethiopian International Adoption world. rumors began flying around the internet and no one knew who or what to believe. without going in to details, these were the worst rumors a potential adoptive parent would want to hear. yet into the chaos, God spoke peace. however, it was still really hard...and scary...

around this same time we heard from our agency that our paperwork had yet to go to ET because they were anticipating additional paperwork requirements from the US side of things.  (if you are really interested, you can read about the new USCIS PAIR process here). the point is, our dossier was not considered "complete" and therefore we could not be registered as an official "waiting family." bummer. we went from thinking we were 2 months into the wait to realizing that we were not even ready to begin the official "wait." you can imagine how that felt...
 
on January 29, we received an update email from our agency that responded to the internet stories. the emails were confusing, hopeful, encouraging, and unsettling (yes. all of the above). on this same day, we also received the new paperwork that we would need to complete (more paperwork?!?)  AND, we were told that due to the new requirements (which, by the way, we believe to be very good for IA in ET in the long run), we would be looking at an 8-12 month wait for referrals once we were officially "paperwork ready" and a "waiting family."

at this point, we felt discouraged. and scared. but we prayed about it, and decided to push forward.
so, we went back to the home study agency (local, Kansas agency...not our main adoption agency)... let's just say, this part just got even more frustrating and discouraging. and last week we found out that we are looking at an addendum to our home study which could take weeks, if not longer....

so, that's where we are currently at with the adoption process. we haven't even begun working with another government yet, and we are already feeling overwhelmed and discouraged.

and in the midst of all of this.....we had a wonderful blessing and painful good-bye.

on January 5, after nearly 3 years of hoping and praying, we had a positive pregnancy test. it was a complete shock and incredible surprise. we were both extremely excited. I would say that I was cautiously excited, but excited nonetheless. we were finally experiencing pregnancy.... thank you, Jesus. we began dreaming and planning for this little life. it felt like perfect timing- this baby would come during our adoption wait; and when they were just a few months old we would bring their siblings home from Ethiopia. yes, it would be crazy! but we were so excited!

on February 14, at week 10 of pregnancy, we went to our first appointment. during the ultrasound the doctor struggled to find the baby. after a few moments, she confirmed that there was no heartbeat and the baby was measuring small. she scheduled us to come back in a week. we had made plans to eat lunch with my aunt & uncle after the appointment, planning to share the news with them...news that I had dreamed of sharing for years. we had made plans for a big family dinner on saturday, hoping to share the news with even more extended relatives. the reveal plans quickly changed. it was a heartbreaking day. in so many ways it was a really hard weekend. but we chose, in those hours and days to hope.  we prayed for a miracle and continued to hope in Jesus, no matter what.

and then on February 21, we returned to doctor for another ultrasound. within moments it was clear, we were experiencing a miscarriage. I had yet to experience any external signs, but internally it was clear.

and on February 24, it was over nearly as quickly as it began.
but it had begun.
the miracle lays in the fact that LIFE HAD BEGUN. 



yes, we are grieving...but we HAD something to grieve, which is a treasured gift that I refuse to take for granted.

yes, we feel terribly sad...but someday we will get to meet our child in heaven, and that is reason to rejoice.

yes, this adoption road is extremely difficult and scary...but someday we will bring our children home and get to share life with them, and there will be so much joy.

the Lord gives and He takes away. 

He planted the seeds of this adoption dream in our hearts a long time ago, and while we are still very unclear about what this will look like moving forward, we will continue to seek His face and say YES to these dreams. we know that He is a God of completion and that He will see us through.

He gave us the gift of life. and while I do not understand why that life was so short, it is not my job to understand. it is my job to give Him glory.

He has comforted me and brought me joy in the midst of sorrow. In the last weeks, I have laughed just as often as I have cried. I have felt tremendous gratitude, even in my moments of sadness. these days have held great celebration and great sorrow. yes, both, and.

we grieve. but we do not grieve as those without hope.
we have HOPE in Jesus.
and that hope is the anchor to my soul.


Last night I read the final chapter of Shauna Niequist's book Bittersweet. (highly recommend)
In that chapter she writes these words:

"The most bittersweet season of my life so far is still life, 

still beautiful, 

still sparkling with celebration. 

There is no one or the other, as desperately as I want that to be true. This season was bittersweet. Life itself is bittersweet. There's always life or death, always beauty of blood."

we are unsure of many things right now.
life continues to feel bittersweet.
and in the moments of uncertainty, we anchor ourselves in this truth:  

we know the One who loves us, 

who comforts us, 

who rejoices with us and grieves with us. 

Our life is His.

we would love to have you praying with us and for us.

as always, thanks for journeying with us, dear friends.

with all our love,
R & E

advent & adoption: the art of waiting

As a child, when I would tell my mom that I wanted a new pair of jeans or new shoes, she would often respond with “Christmas is coming!” Even in July.  It didn’t matter what point we were in the year, Christmas was always coming. Every year we can count on the arrival of Christmas. We are always moving toward the baby born in Bethlehem.

In November we mailed off all our adoption paperwork. After 8 months of answering questions, filling out forms, mailing off for documents, we had completed all the work that goes into preparing the Dossier. We were done. We received word from our agency that our Dossier was officially complete and that we were ready to receive referrals. . We were placed on the Waiting List.    

Waiting is not my favorite. (In my defense, I have yet to meet anyone who says that waiting IS their favorite.) Don’t get me wrong, I CAN wait. But I’d rather not have to. Sometimes I get frustrated with waiting. Example: Yesterday Rob and I were driving and I wanted to watch a video on my phone; it was taking for-ev-er to load. Instead of patiently waiting for the video to load, I repeatedly pushed play hoping that somehow in the last 2.2 seconds it had magically completed the buffering process and would be ready for my viewing pleasure. Nope. Okay, 5 seconds  later? Nope. Dang.  I felt genuinely annoyed that the video wouldn’t load. The way in which I waited affected how much I actually enjoyed the video; when the video loaded and I was able to watch it, I didn’t really enjoy the video. This had nothing to do with the content, and everything to do with how I prepared.  

How then should we wait?

Throughout Scripture there are stories of people who had to wait years for God to fulfill a promise. In fact, that IS the entire story of Scripture---an entire PEOPLE waiting on the coming of the Messiah. Waiting to be saved, waiting for their King to arrive.  All those years of waiting were not wasted, God was still alive and at work in the lives of His people. Over and over again, God’s word reminds us us that God sustains us during the wait, that strength rises during the waiting, and that JOY is coming.

We have HOPE because we know that HE is coming.

 

For the last several weeks, churches around the world have been celebrating Advent. Advent literally means waiting. It is a season of preparing for the birth of a baby. Advent is our time-as individuals and as a community-to prepare for the arrival of our King.

Making it personal.

Advent 2013 has been unique in that I am preparing my heart both for the birth of Jesus and the adoption of our children. I realized at some point that I was faced with two ways of waiting:

Option One: Endure. Stay busy. Spend lots of time on Social Media so that I don’t have to think about my own life. Just count down and get through.

Option Two: Lean in. Learn and grown. Allow this process to change me, transform me. Rely on Jesus. Be present with the wait.

At the beginning of December, I wrote in my journal: I want my kids home where I can snuggle them, love them and teach them about Jesus. The thought of months upon month of unknown waiting feels hard, painful. But I knew this was part of it, and I knew it would be hard. I need to accept this reality and focus on how to WAIT WELL. Lord, what does it mean to wait well?

“Let me show you,” he whispered into the moment, inviting me to lean into him as I learn how to wait.

So here’s what I’ve been doing during Advent:

-          Create space for myself to feel and to think. The primary way I created space was by setting aside time each day to read THIS advent devotional. It has been a good way to slow down and focus on Jesus. Also, the reflection questions at the end of each day are excellent for creating mental and emotional space to process. I have loved journaling my way through Jesus’ family tree.  

-          Lean in to Jesus and allow myself to be known. I am really good at leaning in to others and allowing THEM to be known, or running to social media as a way to avoid thinking or feeling my own thoughts/emotions. I have been intentional about connecting with Jesus and my husband during this Advent season.  I have spent time with family and friends. I am trying to be aware of when and how I am using my phone, and if there is something that would be healthier to do instead.

The other day I told my mom: On the outside it doesn’t look like I am ready for Christmas, but in my heart this is the most ready I have ever been.

On the outside, I am not a mom but in my heart I am becoming one.

Waiting is ACTIVE. There is something in me that is coming ALIVE during the wait. Praying that as you wait, you will lean into Jesus. As you wait, you will grow in His strength and know how much He loves you.

The greatest gift ever given came at Christmastime.

Get ready, y’all,

CHRISTMAS IS COMING!!!

 

 

steady my heart

my prayer this morning.

even when it hurts

even when its hard

....

I will run to You. 

.......

listening

I've learned that the first art of listening is shutting my mouth,

stilling my mind,

and quieting my soul.

if you have followed adoption circles this month
(or orphan care cirlces or, ahem, Jen Hatmaker),
you may have come across a post or two about adoption ethics.


Before you scroll down and start leaving me comments about your opinion of infant adoption, sibling adoption, older child adoption, special needs adoption, transracial adoption or Jen Hatmaker.....wait....
my readers don't leave comments!
ha! what was I worried about?! :)
I kid, I kid...
but really, let me start by making a disclaimer:
this post is not about adoption ethics and I also really happen to respect Jen Hatmaker.

the reality is that her post--and a series of other posts---had me "fit to be tied" this month,
as they say 'round these parts. ;)

and, honestly, it wasn't so much what was being said,
as how the enemy used those voices to steal my joy.
the enemy likes to do that, ya know; take something true or good and twist it.

and if I'm not careful, I let all these other voices (blogs, books, opinions, stories, videos, etc.) become REALLY loud.
I give them center stage and find myself spending hours listening to what they have to say.
and if I am not balancing this out with THE voice,
it can get ugly.

reeeeally ugly.

read: ready to throw in the towel/jump ship/recalculate the route.

and there was a point this month when I was there.
in that place.
overcome with doubt and fear.
the enemy was using the second-guessing and analyzing that was happening in blogland,
to instill chaos and despair in my heart.

I'm guessing there are a few of you out there that have had this happen.
when you start to listen to what is being said around you instead of listening to what you know is true.
maybe people are voicing their opinion about you,
your family,
your decisions,
or something that you feel really strongly about.

and you know what is truth is but it's hard to remember,
or maybe you aren't sure what truth sounds like.

for me, I know truth.
I know that God called us to adopt.
I also really believe that God affirmed our desire to adopt a young child.
but then people start sayin' stuff.
and then I start doubting.
and then that doubt grows into fear.

you ever have this happen?
yeah?

me too.
in fact, this is where I was at about the middle of May.

in fact, I started an email to our program director from IFS.
subject: "looking for reassurance:
basically, I planned to ask her to reaffirm that we were not about to traffick children through adoption. and that we were not perpetuating corruption. and, please SOMEONE tell me that we are doing the right thing?!?!
but as I started the email,
I felt that little tug/nudge in my heart,
and my sweet Father saying, why don't you take some time to listen to me.

boom.

I had turned up the volume on all the other voices,
and in the process I began to frantically look for affirmation in places that would still leave me doubting.
and in the process of all this worrying and freaking-out,
I had managed to drown out THE voice.
(and, no, I'm not talking about the tv show.)

this is not new for me.
unfortunately, I'm a bit of a slow learner in this department.
but I'm thankful that this adoption process is refining this in me.
I'm learning to listen,
because if I don't learn to listen to The Voice of Truth,
then I'm going to get completing lost and overwhelmed.

I know that this whole "listening to Jesus" thing can be a little ambiguous for people.
in Christian-lingo we like to refer to this as the "still, small voice."
and maybe that is the best descriptor out there. I don't know.
but I do know that He speaks.
that he WANTS to speak to us.
if only we will just listen.

the way this played out for me this month was that I got my journal and I sat.
pleading.
confessing.
begging for God to speak.
to show up and help me figure out what was true.

and, friends, He did.
after a couple hours
and several pages in my journal
I was once again reminded that what we are doing--this adopting international thing--this adopting two young Ethiopians--THIS thing is in response to what God initiated.
we are responding to what HE began in our hearts,
what He asked us to do.

and the peace that came from hearing that from Him would not, COULD not, have come from any of the other voices around me.
yes, my husband was able to calm my nerves and remind me of Truth.
yes, I had some really dear friends remind me of Truth and support me on some rough days.
but those voices could not calm my spirit the way THE Spirit did.

so, my question for you today is Who are you listening to?
Is the voice(s) that you listen to Truth?
Do you need to take some time today/this weekend/this week to seek Truth?
He wants to speak to you and He promises that his Voice will give you "peace that transcends all understanding."



oh, and two days after I deleted that email to Randi (our program director) she posted this. God is good.

Happy June, ya'll!

beautiful things.

sometimes life feels hard. 

the reality is that there are hard things in life:

hard things to figure out,

to understand, 

to face. 

it's broken. 

but is also really, really beautiful.

life is full of joy, beauty, and all kinds of lovely things.
but it is also full of pain, heartache, grief, and all sorts of hard things.

this week I've been thinking about the hard things that lie before us.

the reality of adoption is that we will experience extreme joy as we bring children into our family,
but we will also need to be prepared to walk with them through some hard things.
adoption is born out of loss, pain, and grief.
there is a birth mom that will say goodbye to her baby.
my babies will have a story that begins before I was around,
and they will endure things that are hard and I won't be there to protect them.
their path to becoming our children does not come without cost.

This week I have grieved for them.
I have grieved for their first families.
I have even grieved for us, for me.

I skyped with a dear friend yesterday, and I said to her
"sometimes I just don't want to do hard."

it's true.

I get a little nervous when I think about what lies ahead.

it feels really unknown.
but then, I remember how BIG my God is,

and that he has called us to do hard things,
because He did hard things.

and He promises that His is present with us in the midst of hard things.

I got asked this week why I chose to go into counseling.

My answer was that I believe in healing and restoration,

and that it is an honor and privilege to get to walk with people as the find
freedom and joy in the midst of really hard things.


I met with a student this week-
they are COURAGEOUSLY facing some really, really hard stuff.
going places emotionally and walking through things that have been locked away a long time.
This week they said to me, "sometimes I just want a little slack, ya know. Why does it always have to feel so hard?'
As tears welled up in my eyes, I had no answer. no words.except this:

I told her that I heard her.

that she wasn't alone.
and then I told her that I had HOPE.

that she would not stay in this place of extreme brokenness.
that together we would face the hard things,
and find freedom and beauty and love and value. 

Often it takes walking through the hard to be able to appreciate the beauty.
As we walk through the hard, we find freedom and healing.
If we never experienced hard, then we would not fully grasp the lovely things lying on the other side.
I told her that I believed that things redeemed were often the most beautiful things;
things once broken that are transformed into something lovely.
I told her that that healing is worth the effort, the time, and the work.

and, you guys, I believe it.

in my core, I believe it.

and THIS is why we will adopt,
even though I know that there will be hard things.

out of the hard stuff will spring forth
relationships,
bonds,
stories,
experiences
and a life that is more beautiful than anything I can imagine.

so, we will press on.
into the hard places,
and the hard spaces.

we will do hard things. 

"Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth;
burst into song, O mountains!
For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones."
Isaiah 49:13

answers to questions we hear often these days

I figured it was time to give a few more details regarding our adoption.

I'm guessing there may be at least a few of you out there that wonder what in the world is going on?!

since adoption is something I have been interested in for a long time,
I have spent countless hours reading up on the different types and steps involved.
but I get that not everyone stalks adoption blogs or reads up on attachment issues in their free time :)
so, it only seemed fair to answer some questions.

here are some of the most frequently asked questions we field these days:

"Are you adopting domestically or internationally?"
Internationally.

which is followed quickly by a, "Why?" 
Honestly, once we made the decision to adopt, deciding where to adopt from was the most difficult question for me to settle in my heart. We felt really overwhelmed by the task of "selecting a child," which is what it felt like we were doing. Then a really wise friend  (who also happens to be an adoptive mama) encouraged us to approach this decision by asking:  

What child do you feel that you and Rob are 

best equipped to parent at this point in your life? 

and this question was a game changer for us. While I was working as a therapist in residential treatment, I saw how desperately older children need families. But I also saw how difficult and unpredictable parenting those children could be. I desperately see the need and there is something in my heart that longs to meet that need. But we had to be realistic about where we are currently at, and since we are going to be new to this whole parenting thing, we are going to have enough unpredictability on our hands. ha! So, for us--at this point in our life--it settled that we wanted to adopt as young as possible. 

so. and "infant" it is. 

you hear infant and you think fresh from the womb. 

well, in the world of adoption, and infant is really any baby 12 months or younger. 

the question then became WHERE.

we spent time reading about different countries that currently have adoption programs with the United States, as well as, researching infant adoption in the US. For whatever reason, God really led us toward international adoption. That is where our attention was focused and where we felt our hearts were leading us. After looking into different program requirements and the ages of children available, we settled on Ethiopia. 

Yes. we know that this means we will become a multiracial/multicultural family. 

Yes. we know there are challenges that will come from being a multiracial/multicultural family. 

Yes. we recognize that not everyone will necessarily "agree" with this decision. 

and YES we are sure. 

this does not mean that there are not moments when I feel anxious about being able to parent children that look different from me. Sure. I do. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have moments of doubt.

but I also KNOW that God is in this and that growing our family through adoption and becoming a diverse family will be beyond beautiful. 

We recognize that we have a lot to learn and will need to rely on others to help educate us and our children in this area. That is part of what excites me--learning and loving and being open a community bigger than us. 

"Do you have a baby picked out for you yet?"
No. We have not been matched with a baby.
We are still several months from being ready to receive a referral.
Here is a general timeline for families adopting with our agency right now.
As of now, we have been told that the following time frames are "average"

this picture is of the hubs and I the morning we sent off our application and contract to IFS. eek!

Step 1: Choose an agency, apply with agency and be accepted. Check!
Step 2: Complete Home Study & Dossier
(read: spend countless hours completing massive amounts of paperwork). It usually takes around 2-3 months for this step to be completed. We are days into this step... so pray for us!

Step 3: Send Dossier (with home study) to Ethiopia where it is translated and processed by the Ethiopian government (MOWA).

Step 4: REFERRAL! From the time our dossier arrives in Ethiopia until we receive a referral will be any where from 2-4 months (again, we are working with averages, people. and this could change. we know that.)

Step 5: Accept referral and pay the remainder of our program fees. EEK!

Step 6: Court date in Ethiopia! Travel to Ethiopia where we will appear before Ethiopian court and the adoption will be finalized. We will officially be parents! From referral to court date is approximately 3-5 months.

Step 7: The child, though adopted, can not leave Ethiopia until the case is cleared by the Embassy. Once the case passes the Embassy, we will bring our babes home! Average time from court date to Embassy clearance is anywhere from 6 weeks to 3 months. So, we'll be counting on you all to be praying. hard. that it is closer to 6 weeks. :)


Which means that we are about 10-12 months from having them home with us. 
We are holding this timeline very loosely, as we know that there are several factors that are out of our control, but we are also praying that this would be close to the truth.
Either way, we have a lot of waiting ahead of us. 
waiting. 
and paperwork. 

"How old will your child be when they come home?"
At the time of referral a child can be as young as 2 months, which means that they are anywhere from 8-10 months old when they come home for good.

"If you don't mind me asking, how much does adoption cost?"
I certainly don't mind you asking! In fact, I think it is important to educate people on ALL things adoption--including that it is a major financial and emotional and physical investment.

The rough estimate for international adoption is around $30,000.
Gulp.
Yep. It's a lot.
But we serve a really BIG God. 
And we are trusting in HIM to make this happen.
We will have fundraisers.
We will pinch pennies.

We will apply for grants.
We will pray for hearts to be led to give.

and we will give HIM all the glory.

We welcome your questions.
Honest.
Please feel free to send me an email (erica.haude@gmail.com) with questions about our adoption process, how you can get involved, or adoption things in general.

I am in no way an expert...yet :)...but I'm learning a lot each day.

thanks for reading. 

something brewing

have you sensed that something was coming?
that something has been brewing in our life?

did you even notice that I hadn't blogged in awhile?  wait. don't answer that. :)

after I posted about 2013 and all the things I wanted more & less of--
one of those being to write more--
I went off the air for a bit.

sometimes I just need to hold things near to my heart.
so that I know that I'm listening to my heart instead of the opinions of others.
so I can tell if what I'm hearing is actually the Holy Spirit stirring, or if I just have anxiety.
I hold things near so that I can tell whose opinion and voice I'm listening to--God's or the worlds.

I've learned that this is important because I can get wrapped up in the opinions of others sometimes.
this might be a surprise to those who know me in real life,
because I am fairly independent and confident.
but the honest truth is that I still struggle with worrying about what others think.

so I've spent the last few weeks holding things close.
I am happy to report that I have been writing more. 
in my journal.
with a pen.
and cute curvy letters.






and after several weeks of writing,
listening,
talking with the hubs,
praying,
researching,
reading,
praying some more,
and dreaming up some BIG things,

we have an announcement.

one that I am beyond excited to share with you.

Rob and I are answering the call to adopt. 
yep. you read that correctly.
we are adopting!!!

isn't that exciting?!?!
we think so. :)
we are extremely excited.
and slightly terrified, as well, but mostly just really, really ready to bring home our babe.
(I know, I know....I have lots of waiting ahead of me....)

remember when I wrote this post in September 2011?
God is so cool.
He has been stirring this in my heart-our hearts-for a long time.

in the coming days and weeks I'm going to share lots of adoption stuff.
so get ready.
like it or not, here it comes.
considered yourself warned.

I'll share about telling our family and friends.
I'll share about how God brought us to this place and how/why we are so stoked to be growing our family in this way.
I'll share details and timelines.
I'll give you information on fundraising and how you can come along side us during this time. 
I'll probably post some videos and stories of other families that are growing their families through adoption.

I'll also share my fears,
my joys,
my questions,
and what I'm learning as we walk this path.

it is a journey. 
an adventure. 
but isn't that what following Jesus is all about?!
so, I invite you to come with us on this journey.
we'd be delighted to have you :)

will you?
will you share with us in this journey that will result in us being parents and an orphan finding a forever family?
we sure hope you will.
we can't wait to share it with you. 

with love,
rob and erica

hearing

I have a tendency to get ahead of myself sometimes.

I jump all in.

Dream big.
Make plans.
I love dreaming and planning and all that good stuff. 

It is also really important to me that I live intentionally.
To make things count.
To be wise and discerning.

sometimes I struggle to make those two align.
anybody else out there struggle with that?

this is a picture of my journal from February 2007. 

I was living in Canada. Preparing for a 3 month mission trip to Mexico.

We had a guest speaker come--who was a very discerning, wise listener. 

She spent some time praying with me and for me. 

This is what I wrote down about those prayers. 

She prayed that I would:

"be someone who doesn't move until I hear God's voice."

fast forward one year.
I come back from Mexico.
Decide to marry the hubs.
Move to Denver.

I'm in graduate school at Denver Seminary.
They make give all students the opportunity to take the MMPI and a battery of other tests. then we meet with a spiritual director guru. besides the MMPI being ridiculously long, it really was a very positive experience. during my 1on1 meeting the guy says: "You're probably someone who has always longed to have one clear direction for your life--for God to just tell you that he was calling you to something specific.

I'm leaning forward. nodding. yes. thinking, this is the moment...

wrong.
this is what he says next.

"You are going to be someone who is always asking,  "What do You have for me now?" 

Really? Okay.
Well, not what I was expecting.
But in that moment I began to feel so much FREEDOM.

Someone finally gave me the freedom to stop pursuing that ONE big calling and told me to just keep asking. keep seeking. keeping journeying.

If God had given me one very specific calling I would have just gone for it. full tilt.
and it would have been a disaster.
He knew that I would get ahead of myself.
and what good is being "on mission" in life if I am not connected to the Source of all life.

He knew that I would need to slow down from time to time.

Listen. Dialogue. Meditate. Ask. Hear.


and I feel like I am at that place again.
asking "What do you have for me now?"

some of who (whoever you are....those mysterious readers out there....) just read those words and thought, "What the H*#@ is she talking about? She just moved. Started a new job. Bought a house. Isn't that enough?!?!?!"

And the answer is Yes. and No.

Yes, I have had A LOT of change in the last few months. a lot. trust me. no one feels that to quite the same degree as me. I'm not necessarily asking for something new or different. I'm not asking for another project or job or opportunity. I'm not.

What I am asking is,"Lord, what do You want from me in this season?" 
We were so focused on getting here. and now we are here.
and I'm still unpacking what that looks like.
to be here. in this town. in this job. in this season of life.

but I never want to stop listening.
I want to HEAR from my Jesus.
I want to walk in obedience and not get swept away in the busyness that is all around me.

My struggle is being still.
Honestly, I'm just not very good at it.
And one thing I've learned when working with my clients is:
If you are not intentional and focused when they are talking, you'll miss what they are really saying.

I don't want to miss what is being said to me.
So I'm really working on being still. so that I can listen.

I'll let you know how it goes....:)

grateful

I'm feeling grateful today.

Maybe it is all the "30 Days of Thanksgiving" posts that are filling up my newsfeed these days.

Or maybe I was stirred by the kind email I got from an old friend today expressing his thanks.

Or maybe it is just that after a really jam-packed few days, I am quieting myself enough to reflect on the goodness that it all around me.

my heart swells with thanksgiving.

that my cousin is healing after a weekend spent in the hospital with very painful gallstones.

that I live close enough to celebrate the engagement of one of the women that I count most dear in this world.

for an office with a view of Tabor's beautiful campus. with a window that allows in the warm rays of sunshine on a chilly day.

for a husband that makes me dinner after a long day at work. who helps me set up for an event that he has no direct responsibility for. and who even helps me hang window drapes on a Monday evening. yes. Monday. when there is football on. he truly is one of my very greatest blessings. he's good to me beyond what I deserve.

that I get to be a part of what God is doing in the lives of others. that I get to witness growth and change. that others trust me with their deepest fears, their struggles, their hurts and their joys. that I get the privilege of knowing people deeply. of celebrating with them and helping carry their burdens. that others invite me to speak into their lives. I never want to take this for granted.

for my family. they support me. they pray for me. they love me even when I am difficult to love. I'm thankful that we enjoy spending time together and that we will all get to do just that in only 2 short weeks! 

and most deeply, I am thankful for my Jesus. who loves me beyond reason. who calls me back to Him and invites me to walk closely with Him each day. who gave His life so that I could live. who gives me peace and joy despite my circumstances.

good stuff.

I am grateful.

adoption

I've posted about my thoughts on adoption before. 

you can check that out here, if you'd like.

Adoption continues to be an issue close to my heart. 

something that we talk about. pray about. 

-I'll post more on that later-

Today, in honor of the 1st day of November,

( November?!?!!? What the heck?! How did this happen!?!)

here are some facts about adoption.

"American children spend an average of just over three years in foster care after they become eligible for adoption."

-www.childrensrights.org-

This means that after a child has been removed from their home and spend time in foster care awaiting to find out if they can return home or not, they eventually become eligible for adoption. and AFTER they become eligible for adoption, they spend-on average-another 3 years in foster care before they find a forever family. 

 

"The majority (42 percent) of children currently in foster care waiting to be adopted were removed from their parents or caretakers before two years old. Research shows children who enter foster care at a young age remain in the system longer. "

 

According to fosteringconnections.org, "In 2010, 239 youth in Kansas aged out of the foster care system without a permanent, legal family."

 Think about the ramifications of that. 

Holidays.

 Financial Support. 

Emotional Support. 

belonging. 

 I sat and talked two weeks ago with a young man who "aged-out" of the foster care system. 

Emancipated. 

We talked about how hard he has to work-to fight- for his success because he lacks support. 

He shared that it hurts to know that "the people who are supposed to be there for you in life, aren't."

family. 

I can not even fathom what that feels like. 

I am blessed. 

beyond measure. 

beyond what I deserve. 

This month, I hope that you think and pray about how you can advocate for these youth. 

How you might join with others to love those who are often forgotten in our society. 

It terrifies me to think about what God might be asking of me...

but I refuse to let that fear paralyze me into doing nothing.

in my draft box

I found this in my draft box from last October.
I don't remember writing it,
and I'm not sure what stopped me from posting it then.
but in light of how I've been feeling lately,
I've decided to post it. 

we were in kansas this weekend. 

it was good. 

there is something about being with people who know you. 

good. bad. ugly. 

i saw a friend that i hadn't seen in over three years. 

i got to hug her and talk to her and laugh with her.

it made me miss home. 

i know home in many ways home is denver. 

with rob. 

where we are together. 

yet...my roots go deep in kansas. 

and i am okay with that.

Crazy. On so many levels. 
Last October I longed for Kansas.
And yet sensed we were staying in Denver.
This October I long for many things about Colorado, 
yet sense that we are suppose to be in Kansas. 

Not sure what this means. 
about me.
about God.
about life. 

I guess I'll just take it as it is. 
and be thankful.
and choose to see the beauty in living in a place that I have roots. 
I'm still excited about rebuilding the friendship with the friend mentioned above. 
who knows what God has in store there. 
but I do know that God is at work. 

in my heart. 
in my life. 
in those around me. 

and I'll choose to see that
even on my most difficult of days.