so heavy, at times, that it has left me paralyzed and speechless.
those who interact with me on a daily basis may or may not have noticed,
because in the midst of this heaviness there is still joy.
I still smile, and laugh, and talk about God's goodness.
and all of that is real. and true.
yet internally there is often another wave of emotion,
it ebbs and flows throughout the day,
this one is full of longing and sorrow, discontent and unrest.
I am learning to be okay with these ebbs and flows,
to allow them to move through me, around me.
I am working on allowing them to push me toward Jesus,
to lean into His embrace when I feel the needy to steady myself.
I have hesitated to share these words here,
nervous to speak them out into the open.
then I re-read these words by Ann Voskamp
"Venting hurts your-self, Biblical lamenting heals your-soul — bravely expressing pain while unwavering in the unrelenting goodness of God."
and I remembered.
I remembered how often I have encouraged others to bravely share their pain,
to create space to lament.
I have remembered all the times that I witnessed healing through the expressing.
so I will lament.
I will cry out to my Jesus as David did in the psalms.
and I will allow others to hold space for me.
because my soul needs healing.
"Thanks to God is what that calms the wild heart."
and I will give thanks.
I will continue to remember the unrelenting goodness of God.
this morning I began by writing out things I am thankful for.
from the simple things--like flannel sheets--to the more profound--
like the patient love of a Heavenly Father.
I believe that it will be in the lamenting and in the thanking that I will be healed.