Saturday, August 29, 2015

on the 29th of august

one year ago I was sitting in my office wrapping up another long week at work, 
when I opened this:

and my world was forever changed. 

God chose us,
 and we chose him back. 

we chose adoption.
"S" chose adoption for the baby growing inside her. 
and then she chose us. 

Isaiah 41:9-10
"I took you from the ends of the earth,
from the farthest corners I called you. 
I said, 'You are my servant,'
I have chosen you & have not rejected you.
So do not fear, 
for I am with you;
do not dismayed for I am your God:
I will strengthen you, 
I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

I read the email. 
over and over and over again. 
I immediately called Rob,
"We've been chosen. We've been chosen. A mom chose us."

he was walking with his football team on the way to practice. 
I immediately heard the emotion in his voice, 
overcome with joy.

it is good to remember days like this, 
to reflect on God's faithfulness throughout our journey to become a family of 3. 

some days fear starts to creep in when thinking about the future.
we sense God preparing us for things and know that our family is not done growing.
we still pray and talk about what that may look like, 
and how God might want to grow our family.

and I start to wonder how I will be able to do it all, 
and then He reminds me:

"I will strengthen you,
I will help you, 
I will uphold you."

the future may seem unsure in my mind, 
but it is certain and settled in His.
He knows what is coming, 
nothing catches Him by surprise. 
He is already at work preparing us for what lies ahead. 
You see, I only need to look back ONE YEAR to be reminded 
of all the ways that God is at work in the details. 

august 2014: 
we were coming out of an intense emotional season,

and I felt hopeful yet the wait was feeling grueling. 
one morning right at the beginning of the month, 
I felt the Lord say to me, 

A baby is coming this month. 

I had no reason to believe that August would be "match month."
in fact, I had been bracing myself for a much longer wait. 
I am a little embarrassed to admit that I thought this word from the Lord must mean a pregnancy. 
pregnancy felt like a "sure thing" so that *must* be how God planned to make this happen. 
so imagine my disappointment when half way through the month it became obvious that this was not the case. 

and then August 29th came. 
I had nearly forgotten about the quiet promise that God has whispered to my heart at the beginning of the month. 
or maybe I just started to question whether I had heard correctly. 

and then, 
there it was. 
once again. 
His faithfulness. 
His goodness. 
His provision. 

so when the world starts to feel a little shaky, 
I am reminded that God knew. 
the building of our sweet family of 3 did not catch him by surprise, 
he was at work all along the way, 
bringing redemption and breathing hope, 
working out the details and knitting our hearts together with a woman who lived halfway across the country, 
who was carrying a baby that she would lovingly and bravely place into our arms, 
entrusting us with the task of parenting him. 

today marks one year that we have prayed specifically for this sweet boy.

yesterday marked 39 weeks since the day we first laid eyes on him and held him in our arms.
which means he has now been with me as long as he was with her.
39 weeks. 

And so today, as I reflect on the past year I am filled with a love and joy that makes my heart feel like it will burst wide open. And, yet, nestled right next to that love and joy is also sadness - for her and for him, for what they both lost on that day 39 weeks ago.

I've become accustomed to this place of deep feeling - both immense joy and immense sorrow.
It is the way of adoption, I've found.
I felt it last august 29th, too.
Joy. Sadness. Hope. Sorrow. Love. and Loss.
all strokes that together paint the most beautiful picture of redemption and faithfulness.

as we face the future, and what often feels so scary and uncertain,
may I continue to choose LOVE over fear.
may His perfect Love cast out all fear, as I walk in the confidence of knowing

that we are chosen 
and deeply loved.