hearing

I have a tendency to get ahead of myself sometimes.

I jump all in.

Dream big.
Make plans.
I love dreaming and planning and all that good stuff. 

It is also really important to me that I live intentionally.
To make things count.
To be wise and discerning.

sometimes I struggle to make those two align.
anybody else out there struggle with that?

this is a picture of my journal from February 2007. 

I was living in Canada. Preparing for a 3 month mission trip to Mexico.

We had a guest speaker come--who was a very discerning, wise listener. 

She spent some time praying with me and for me. 

This is what I wrote down about those prayers. 

She prayed that I would:

"be someone who doesn't move until I hear God's voice."

fast forward one year.
I come back from Mexico.
Decide to marry the hubs.
Move to Denver.

I'm in graduate school at Denver Seminary.
They make give all students the opportunity to take the MMPI and a battery of other tests. then we meet with a spiritual director guru. besides the MMPI being ridiculously long, it really was a very positive experience. during my 1on1 meeting the guy says: "You're probably someone who has always longed to have one clear direction for your life--for God to just tell you that he was calling you to something specific.

I'm leaning forward. nodding. yes. thinking, this is the moment...

wrong.
this is what he says next.

"You are going to be someone who is always asking,  "What do You have for me now?" 

Really? Okay.
Well, not what I was expecting.
But in that moment I began to feel so much FREEDOM.

Someone finally gave me the freedom to stop pursuing that ONE big calling and told me to just keep asking. keep seeking. keeping journeying.

If God had given me one very specific calling I would have just gone for it. full tilt.
and it would have been a disaster.
He knew that I would get ahead of myself.
and what good is being "on mission" in life if I am not connected to the Source of all life.

He knew that I would need to slow down from time to time.

Listen. Dialogue. Meditate. Ask. Hear.


and I feel like I am at that place again.
asking "What do you have for me now?"

some of who (whoever you are....those mysterious readers out there....) just read those words and thought, "What the H*#@ is she talking about? She just moved. Started a new job. Bought a house. Isn't that enough?!?!?!"

And the answer is Yes. and No.

Yes, I have had A LOT of change in the last few months. a lot. trust me. no one feels that to quite the same degree as me. I'm not necessarily asking for something new or different. I'm not asking for another project or job or opportunity. I'm not.

What I am asking is,"Lord, what do You want from me in this season?" 
We were so focused on getting here. and now we are here.
and I'm still unpacking what that looks like.
to be here. in this town. in this job. in this season of life.

but I never want to stop listening.
I want to HEAR from my Jesus.
I want to walk in obedience and not get swept away in the busyness that is all around me.

My struggle is being still.
Honestly, I'm just not very good at it.
And one thing I've learned when working with my clients is:
If you are not intentional and focused when they are talking, you'll miss what they are really saying.

I don't want to miss what is being said to me.
So I'm really working on being still. so that I can listen.

I'll let you know how it goes....:)

two years.

A few months ago the hubby asked me
(as I was avoiding a paper by perusing blogland)

"Do you think you'll ever start a blog?"

"Maybe when I'm done with grad school," I said.

i wonder how many times this was my response
in the past two years?

Do you want to join a book club?
when i'm done with school.
Do you want to learn to sew?
maybe when i'm done with school
Have you finished your wedding album? uh, or even started?
well, you get the picture.

well, friends, I am done.
yes.
done!

it would be easy to for me to focus on the things that I could have been doing during the past two years. the ways that I feel like I "missed out" but why would I want to waste my time with such thoughts....and it would be a lie.

sure, the past two years have required sacrifice, hard work, and perseverance.
we have had to budget financially and balance time and energy like crazy.
but we have GAINED much.
I have grown.
My incredible, supportive, patient, encouraging, fun, kind husband has grown.
our marriage has grown.

we have learned so much in the past two years. about ourselves, marriage, God, careers, Colorado, family, communication, being honest, vulnerable. we have learned how to be patient, love deeper, make joint decisions...i could go on and on.

we have grown. and that is SO GREAT to me.
Our first two years of marriage has been it's own kind of adventure.

and when I think of my hubby,
i can't imagine someone else who I would have rather spent the last two years with.
i feel so blessed. almost giddy.

happy 2 year anniversary, babe.
you seriously are the best. seriously.
thanks for being my partner in this crazy thing called life.
i pray we find the adventure in all our days.
i love you.
today and forever.