my journey to motherhood: an adoption update

maybe it because mother's day is this weekend.
or because we finally hit another milestone this week.
or maybe it is because a sweet friend left flowers & a note this morning to let me know that she (& Jesus) are remembering and celebrating me this weekend.

not sure what brought me to this point today,
but I'm finally writing this long-overdue update.

last time I logged on to this space,
I shared that we had hit some significant road bumps in our adoption
& had suffered a significant loss.

Around that same time I sent an email to our people
and asked them to be praying for us as we discerned our next steps.
in January our agency had presented us with the option of switching to one of their other programs.
At that time we were resolved to remain in ET.
However, by the time March came around, we were sensing a shift happening internally....
we were frustrated.
we had hit so many roadblocks.
we were officially a year into the process and had yet to officially begin the wait for a referral.
we were still at least a year away from a referral.


together we spent a lot of time praying and asking God to help us figure out what was next:

"Lord, do we stay the course in Ethiopia or do we switch programs?"

Yes. Both are good things. I am with you. I will see this through.

 "God, just tell us what to do and we will do it."

What do you want? I am with you. We will complete this. 

coming out of that season of praying and discerning we felt that God was freeing us to choose.
so often in my life I wish and pray that God would just SHOW ME-make it clear, tell me what to do.
and yet, I am learning, that often He wants to do things WITH us.
it feels much easier to simply say: God told me to.
and sometimes-yes, God does tells us to take action (and that is not always easy), but I'm learning that often we have to get moving first.
that clarity comes in the moving,
that discernment comes in the doing.

I am learning that this is what faith looks like:
it is taking His hand and saying YES to a life lived both for Him and with Him.
We are learning that sometimes He makes His steps clear, and that other times He asks us to simply get moving.


all that leads us to this:

at the end of March we made the decision to switch to our agency's Domestic Cross Cultural program.

and while we initially felt peace and excitement over this decision,
we have also walked through intense grief and disappointment. 

now, I recognize that this does not mean that we are walking away from Ethiopia forever and ever, amen.
I do.
trust me, I am holding on to the hope that we might someday have an Ethiopian baby in our arms.
until then we will continue to take what we have learned from the last year+ to advocate and support orphan care and prevention.

on a personal level, however, the change of paths has felt really hard.
for a year I pictured little Ethiopians joining our family.
for twelve months I dreamt of their big brown eyes and mocha colored skin.
I have spend hours upon hours planning, researching and preparing for two little Ethiopians to become my babies.
so walking away from that has been heartbreaking.
it is not a decision we made lightly or easily.

I still can't fully articulate all that went into the decision or how it was reached,
but I sense that we are where we need to be.
I sense that someday I will look back on this journey and see God's hand leading and guiding,
and that I will see more fully the beautiful picture He was painting.

just know that even though I am excited about what is next,
I am still grieving for what we have left behind.


so what's next? 
yesterday I mailed our Family Profile Books to Texas where they will remain until a birthmother enters the Domestic Cross Cultural Program.
at that point, she will be shown our profile (along with the other families' in the program) and will hopefully choose us to parent her child.

how long? 
we've learned to stop asking this question. there is reason to believe within a year, but we have no control over this. and neither does our agency. so we will continue to wait and trust and hope.

so what has changed?
we will be adopting an infant child of another race, not 2 like we had originally planned.
the child will be born somewhere in the US, not overseas.
other than that, not much.


as always, thank you.
thanks for journeying with us.

love,
e