oh, expectations

this week was our first week of summer break.

together, at least.

rob officially started a week before me,

but he stayed busy catching up with things around our house

(and making me lunch each day while I was at work. sweet, huh?)

so, this week we had big plans.

as in: overhaul-our-kitchen plans.

it is Thursday at 9:30pm.

wanna know what we have managed to accomplish in the last 4 days?

 

nada.

 

well, I take that back.

I came home Tuesday afternoon after a few hours in the office to find rob spastically

scraping popcorn plaster off the kitchen ceiling.

it was obvious to me that this was a spur of the moment decision because he had done ZERO prep (camera and computer sitting on the table, no drop cloth down, nothing).

now, this is NOT like my husband, so I knew something was up.

we were both struggling to manage stress.
we just do it differently.
apparently, he randomly starts scraping ceilings...:)
 

the point of my telling you this, was that I wanted to honestly &  accurately report that we do, in fact, have something done on the kitchen project:  a 2x2 foot square of scraped ceiling in one corner.
ha!
 

back to the beginning on the week when I was all "yay summer! woohoo! we are going to get a lot done!"

this enthusiastic attitude about summer lasted approximately 4 hours before I burst into tears.

and this is after tearing up once or twice earlier in the day.

guys, I'm not kidding here.

or being overly dramatic.
Monday sucked.

 

granted, I spent Monday working on adoption grants, which are NOT fun.

totally a blessing. we will be extremely thankful and it will be totally worth it if we are given support for our adoption.
and we know that the interrogation,  thorough questioning is absolutely necessary.
but this makes it no less terrible for the person filling it all out.
 

 the whole analyzeeverythingaboutyourlife and caluclateyournetworth and reexamineexactlyHOWMUCHyouareinvestinginthisadoption is just not fun.

which lead to breakdown #1 of the day/week.
 

 (please, refrain from telling me it will "all be worth it" or "all will be okay."....I know this. I do. I really really do. I believe it. but I still have days where I get overwhelmed and cry.)
 

 

plus, some days I just the ache of wanting kids is just a little worse than others.
just keepin' it real.

I may have blamed Monday on the grants initially,
 

but honestly, after a few days I realized (once again!) that it really is about EXPECTATIONS.

 

 

I had the expectation on Monday that I would just blaze through the adoption grants and get them all ready to mail as soon as we have a copy of our home study.

I had the expectation that we would make some substantial progress on our kitchen this week; enough that there would be a noticeable difference at the end the week.

I had the expectation that I would sleep well at night, wake up early to work out, start my day with Jesus & coffee, and then cross EVERYTHING off my to-do list for each day.

 

uh, no.

when will I ever learn?

 

last night as I crawled into bed I said to rob,

"I'm afraid that this summer will fly by and we'll have nothing to show for it."

I named it.

(I'm a big believer in NAMING things. there is power in words, people.)

I named my fear.

I'm afraid of missing out. losing time. not accomplishing everything on my list.

 

this is not a new fear. or a new issue for me.

this suck-the-marrow-out-of-life way of living is very much a part of my personality.

and it is GOOD.

until it causes me to miss out on life.

 

 

I have been beating myself up all week about how much I have NOT been getting down.

so after I finally NAMED it and spoke it aloud last night,

I spent time this morning re-examining my expectations.

and taking a fresh look at my week.

our summer list includes finishing adoption paperwork (dossier, grants, fundraising plans),

working on several house projects (finish kitchen, paint laundry room/spare rooms, get the kid(s) room(s) ready),

and spending time doing things we love (swimming, reading, traveling, bbqs with friends, games, etc.)

 

this week we have:

*learned more about the dossier process and wrote letters to the Ethiopian government and orphanages *spent several hours working on grants and are steps closer to having some ready to mail *hung out with friends-chatting and playing games *read books in the hammock *bought supplies for the kitchen project *researched and rethought kitchen projects *spent a day with one of our favorite 10 year olds doing some really fun things, including washing our vehicles *cried together because we ache for our kids to come home *been encouraged by friends who are walking similar paths and are teaching us how to do so with grace and honesty *ate meals outside *and took pictures of flower in our yard

(like how I tied these random pics into this post...;)!?)

 

so, while our kitchen does not look any differently than it did at the beginning of the week

(unless you look closely at one corner. ha.)

my expectations have been adjusted.

 

my worth does not rise or fall with how much I accomplish each day.

the value of my day is not in how many things are scratched off my list.

the value of my summer will not be measure simply by how many grants I get done or how many rooms get painted, there is so much more that this summer has to offer.

 

I want to breath into what this summer has to offer.

AND I want to be okay if there are days that feel like a total wash.

because those days will come, too.

I want to find joy and satisfaction in each day I am given this summer (and life in general),

no matter what I accomplish or do not accomplish.

 

If I'm able, by the grace of God, to accomplish THAT then I'll have one beautiful summer.

 

 and even if I don't.

I have a feeling it will still be great.

 

 

How do you handled expectations?

How do you measure whether or summer was "a good one"?

Anyone else have moments/seasons like this?