throwing open some windows

today it is easy to be an "over-sharer."

we've all seen it happen:

maybe you laugh when you see it happen, or roll your eyes?
maybe you are like me and you cringe a little?
(okay, calm down, everyone....not so much about foursquare and updates about where you're at...unless you've given us a play-by-play of your day...)
it could be the therapist in me, or maybe it is my own fear and insecurities (probably both),
but when I see people sharing intimate information out on the internet, I get a little nervous.
I don't want to see people get hurt (read: I am afraid I will be hurt) by this over-sharing phenomenon.

therefore, I tend to navigate myself toward the other end of the spectrum.
my tendency is to hold things close to my heart,
only sharing them with my journal and Jesus until it I have a handle on what is going on,
then I will talk with my husband and those the closest to me.

don't get me wrong, I have moments of brave vulnerability.
and, honestly, those moments most often turned out to be beautiful moments of connection, clarity, and healing.

and yet, here I am, realizing that it is time to stop holding all the cards so close.


here's what I have come to realize:
I need to write, and not just in my journal.
I need to share my story, and not just "some time down the road."

because it is in the writing that I find clarity and healing.
and it is in the sharing that God will get the glory.

my story is an important part of His story.
what's going on in my life matters.
(which means, what's going on in YOUR life matters, too. you're welcome, in case you didn't make that connection on your own)

 -----

yesterday morning I was sitting in church and I was S T R U G G L I N G to focus on the words being sung and spoken. I just.could.not.focus on Jesus, no matter how hard I tried.
my thoughts kept wandering back to me.myself.mine.
and when this is occurring and all the sudden you realize: "wow. I am vain," this is not pleasant.

it's time to throw open some windows and let the Light shine in. 

the last few months have been hard. painful.
some of the most raw, fragile moments of my life.

here it goes:

late December we began hearing rumors of things not going well in the Ethiopian International Adoption world. rumors began flying around the internet and no one knew who or what to believe. without going in to details, these were the worst rumors a potential adoptive parent would want to hear. yet into the chaos, God spoke peace. however, it was still really hard...and scary...

around this same time we heard from our agency that our paperwork had yet to go to ET because they were anticipating additional paperwork requirements from the US side of things.  (if you are really interested, you can read about the new USCIS PAIR process here). the point is, our dossier was not considered "complete" and therefore we could not be registered as an official "waiting family." bummer. we went from thinking we were 2 months into the wait to realizing that we were not even ready to begin the official "wait." you can imagine how that felt...
 
on January 29, we received an update email from our agency that responded to the internet stories. the emails were confusing, hopeful, encouraging, and unsettling (yes. all of the above). on this same day, we also received the new paperwork that we would need to complete (more paperwork?!?)  AND, we were told that due to the new requirements (which, by the way, we believe to be very good for IA in ET in the long run), we would be looking at an 8-12 month wait for referrals once we were officially "paperwork ready" and a "waiting family."

at this point, we felt discouraged. and scared. but we prayed about it, and decided to push forward.
so, we went back to the home study agency (local, Kansas agency...not our main adoption agency)... let's just say, this part just got even more frustrating and discouraging. and last week we found out that we are looking at an addendum to our home study which could take weeks, if not longer....

so, that's where we are currently at with the adoption process. we haven't even begun working with another government yet, and we are already feeling overwhelmed and discouraged.

and in the midst of all of this.....we had a wonderful blessing and painful good-bye.

on January 5, after nearly 3 years of hoping and praying, we had a positive pregnancy test. it was a complete shock and incredible surprise. we were both extremely excited. I would say that I was cautiously excited, but excited nonetheless. we were finally experiencing pregnancy.... thank you, Jesus. we began dreaming and planning for this little life. it felt like perfect timing- this baby would come during our adoption wait; and when they were just a few months old we would bring their siblings home from Ethiopia. yes, it would be crazy! but we were so excited!

on February 14, at week 10 of pregnancy, we went to our first appointment. during the ultrasound the doctor struggled to find the baby. after a few moments, she confirmed that there was no heartbeat and the baby was measuring small. she scheduled us to come back in a week. we had made plans to eat lunch with my aunt & uncle after the appointment, planning to share the news with them...news that I had dreamed of sharing for years. we had made plans for a big family dinner on saturday, hoping to share the news with even more extended relatives. the reveal plans quickly changed. it was a heartbreaking day. in so many ways it was a really hard weekend. but we chose, in those hours and days to hope.  we prayed for a miracle and continued to hope in Jesus, no matter what.

and then on February 21, we returned to doctor for another ultrasound. within moments it was clear, we were experiencing a miscarriage. I had yet to experience any external signs, but internally it was clear.

and on February 24, it was over nearly as quickly as it began.
but it had begun.
the miracle lays in the fact that LIFE HAD BEGUN. 



yes, we are grieving...but we HAD something to grieve, which is a treasured gift that I refuse to take for granted.

yes, we feel terribly sad...but someday we will get to meet our child in heaven, and that is reason to rejoice.

yes, this adoption road is extremely difficult and scary...but someday we will bring our children home and get to share life with them, and there will be so much joy.

the Lord gives and He takes away. 

He planted the seeds of this adoption dream in our hearts a long time ago, and while we are still very unclear about what this will look like moving forward, we will continue to seek His face and say YES to these dreams. we know that He is a God of completion and that He will see us through.

He gave us the gift of life. and while I do not understand why that life was so short, it is not my job to understand. it is my job to give Him glory.

He has comforted me and brought me joy in the midst of sorrow. In the last weeks, I have laughed just as often as I have cried. I have felt tremendous gratitude, even in my moments of sadness. these days have held great celebration and great sorrow. yes, both, and.

we grieve. but we do not grieve as those without hope.
we have HOPE in Jesus.
and that hope is the anchor to my soul.


Last night I read the final chapter of Shauna Niequist's book Bittersweet. (highly recommend)
In that chapter she writes these words:

"The most bittersweet season of my life so far is still life, 

still beautiful, 

still sparkling with celebration. 

There is no one or the other, as desperately as I want that to be true. This season was bittersweet. Life itself is bittersweet. There's always life or death, always beauty of blood."

we are unsure of many things right now.
life continues to feel bittersweet.
and in the moments of uncertainty, we anchor ourselves in this truth:  

we know the One who loves us, 

who comforts us, 

who rejoices with us and grieves with us. 

Our life is His.

we would love to have you praying with us and for us.

as always, thanks for journeying with us, dear friends.

with all our love,
R & E

advent & adoption: the art of waiting

As a child, when I would tell my mom that I wanted a new pair of jeans or new shoes, she would often respond with “Christmas is coming!” Even in July.  It didn’t matter what point we were in the year, Christmas was always coming. Every year we can count on the arrival of Christmas. We are always moving toward the baby born in Bethlehem.

In November we mailed off all our adoption paperwork. After 8 months of answering questions, filling out forms, mailing off for documents, we had completed all the work that goes into preparing the Dossier. We were done. We received word from our agency that our Dossier was officially complete and that we were ready to receive referrals. . We were placed on the Waiting List.    

Waiting is not my favorite. (In my defense, I have yet to meet anyone who says that waiting IS their favorite.) Don’t get me wrong, I CAN wait. But I’d rather not have to. Sometimes I get frustrated with waiting. Example: Yesterday Rob and I were driving and I wanted to watch a video on my phone; it was taking for-ev-er to load. Instead of patiently waiting for the video to load, I repeatedly pushed play hoping that somehow in the last 2.2 seconds it had magically completed the buffering process and would be ready for my viewing pleasure. Nope. Okay, 5 seconds  later? Nope. Dang.  I felt genuinely annoyed that the video wouldn’t load. The way in which I waited affected how much I actually enjoyed the video; when the video loaded and I was able to watch it, I didn’t really enjoy the video. This had nothing to do with the content, and everything to do with how I prepared.  

How then should we wait?

Throughout Scripture there are stories of people who had to wait years for God to fulfill a promise. In fact, that IS the entire story of Scripture---an entire PEOPLE waiting on the coming of the Messiah. Waiting to be saved, waiting for their King to arrive.  All those years of waiting were not wasted, God was still alive and at work in the lives of His people. Over and over again, God’s word reminds us us that God sustains us during the wait, that strength rises during the waiting, and that JOY is coming.

We have HOPE because we know that HE is coming.

 

For the last several weeks, churches around the world have been celebrating Advent. Advent literally means waiting. It is a season of preparing for the birth of a baby. Advent is our time-as individuals and as a community-to prepare for the arrival of our King.

Making it personal.

Advent 2013 has been unique in that I am preparing my heart both for the birth of Jesus and the adoption of our children. I realized at some point that I was faced with two ways of waiting:

Option One: Endure. Stay busy. Spend lots of time on Social Media so that I don’t have to think about my own life. Just count down and get through.

Option Two: Lean in. Learn and grown. Allow this process to change me, transform me. Rely on Jesus. Be present with the wait.

At the beginning of December, I wrote in my journal: I want my kids home where I can snuggle them, love them and teach them about Jesus. The thought of months upon month of unknown waiting feels hard, painful. But I knew this was part of it, and I knew it would be hard. I need to accept this reality and focus on how to WAIT WELL. Lord, what does it mean to wait well?

“Let me show you,” he whispered into the moment, inviting me to lean into him as I learn how to wait.

So here’s what I’ve been doing during Advent:

-          Create space for myself to feel and to think. The primary way I created space was by setting aside time each day to read THIS advent devotional. It has been a good way to slow down and focus on Jesus. Also, the reflection questions at the end of each day are excellent for creating mental and emotional space to process. I have loved journaling my way through Jesus’ family tree.  

-          Lean in to Jesus and allow myself to be known. I am really good at leaning in to others and allowing THEM to be known, or running to social media as a way to avoid thinking or feeling my own thoughts/emotions. I have been intentional about connecting with Jesus and my husband during this Advent season.  I have spent time with family and friends. I am trying to be aware of when and how I am using my phone, and if there is something that would be healthier to do instead.

The other day I told my mom: On the outside it doesn’t look like I am ready for Christmas, but in my heart this is the most ready I have ever been.

On the outside, I am not a mom but in my heart I am becoming one.

Waiting is ACTIVE. There is something in me that is coming ALIVE during the wait. Praying that as you wait, you will lean into Jesus. As you wait, you will grow in His strength and know how much He loves you.

The greatest gift ever given came at Christmastime.

Get ready, y’all,

CHRISTMAS IS COMING!!!

 

 

finding healing

life has felt heavy lately.
so heavy, at times, that it has left me paralyzed and speechless.
those who interact with me on a daily basis may or may not have noticed,
because in the midst of this heaviness there is still joy.
I still smile, and laugh, and talk about God's goodness.
and all of that is real. and true.

yet internally there is often another wave of emotion,
it ebbs and flows throughout the day,
this one is full of longing and sorrow, discontent and unrest.

I am learning to be okay with these ebbs and flows,
to allow them to move through me, around me.

I am working on allowing them to push me toward Jesus,
to lean into His embrace when I feel the needy to steady myself.

I have hesitated to share these words here,
nervous to speak them out into the open.
then I re-read these words by Ann Voskamp

"Venting hurts your-self, Biblical lamenting heals your-soul — bravely expressing pain while unwavering in the unrelenting goodness of God."

and I remembered.
I remembered how often I have encouraged others to bravely share their pain,
to create space  to lament.
I have remembered all the times that I witnessed healing through the expressing.

so I will lament.
I will cry out to my Jesus as David did in the psalms.
and I will allow others to hold space for me.
because my soul needs healing.

"Thanks to God is what that calms the wild heart."

and I will give thanks.
I will continue to remember the unrelenting goodness of God.
this morning I began by writing out things I am thankful for.
from the simple things--like flannel sheets--to the more profound--
like the patient love of a Heavenly Father.

I believe that it will be in the lamenting and in the thanking that I will be healed.

why is different so scary?

sometimes I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.
anyone else have this problem?
one delay tactic that I often use is to read the news in bed.
I feel like I am being productive while still allowing myself to lay horizontal a few minutes longer.
also, I'm convinced that it gets my brain stimulated therefore helps with the actually waking up process.

whatever. it works for me sometimes.

On Monday morning I opened one lazy eye and read this headline:

Miss America crowns 1st winner of Indian descent.

I'm not that in to Miss America, really, but remember, I was putting off getting out a bed,
so I decided to take a gander.

I saw the picture of Miss Daluvuri's surprised face as she was crowned the winner.
You know the face.
yeah, that one.
the one that we all know she practiced over and over again at slumber parties growing up.
Oh, come one, we all did it.
Yes, even I did once upon a time.
it was 6th grade.
I was a tom-boy trying to fit in.
they were putting on a pageant at the party and they wouldn't let me just be a judge anymore.
I caved.
get off my back already!!

anyway, back to CNN's breaking news:

as I perused down through the article,
my indifference turned to sadness.
and then anger.
as I clicked over and read the hateful twitter onslaught that ensured after the crowing,
I began to write the mother of all responses in my head.
in this eloquent and articulate essay, I detailed all the reasons why these comments were ignorant and untrue.
I had a really convincing argument going about how we are ALL all "immigrants" and "foreigners."
it was good. in my head, I had it all mapped out.

then I realized.
it's not about immigration.
it's not even really about race.
or ethnicity.

it's about FEAR.
these responses were based in fear.
fear of that which is different than us.
fear of someone who looks different.
who has a different cultural heritage.
these people were SO focused on the differences,
that they couldn't even see the similarities.
and that was because there are terrified.



and then I went to teach a class yesterday.
and I saw it again.


I had asked my class to discuss a topic with the person sitting next to them.
as I prompted them to divide up and begin discussing,
I saw it.
it was all over the face of one of my students.
fear.
this student was cloaked in fear; physically he had turned his body away from the person sitting next to him, making it impossible for this other student to engage him in conversation.
and the other student saw it, too.
and he FELT it.

fear.
rejection.
and, I'm guessing, a multitude of other feelings came with that, too.
it did for me.

but mostly, I just felt sad.
really sad.

I saw these two young men.
who I happen to know and think are really great young men.
they look very different on the outside.
yes, one is white. the other black.
they come from very different backgrounds-rural Kansas and big city California.
in so many ways they are different.
but that's what makes it so great.
because in as many ways as they are different, they are similar.
and with each difference there is an opportunity to enrich the life of the other.
to teach, to learn, to share, to connect.

why do we let difference become so scary?

why do we allow difference to keep us apart?

we're missing out on so many opportunities to grow, to learn, to share, to connect in deeply meaningful ways.



as I prepare to parent children who will look very different from me,
I would be a liar to say that I have not struggled with fear at times.
I have.
Sometimes fear starts to creep in to my mind and heart,
and I buy in to that lie that whispers:
what if you can't relate to them because they are different than you?
what if they despise you because they don't look like you?
what if you can't parent them well because the come from a different culture?

those are lies.
lies told by the enemy to keep us from connecting with one another.
from loving one another.
from seeing the beauty in one another.

I refuse to listen to those lies.

when I got home tonight, this book was waiting on my front steps.
it's a beautiful book about "coffee and cream skin" and "marshmallow treat skin"
and "butterscotch gold skin" and "pumpkin pie slice skin."

it's beautifully illustrated to capture the message that you're more than your skin ("you're all that you think and you hope and you dream") but that each of us should be thankful for our skin for it "holds the YOU who's within."

Adoption Journey Update 2.0

On June 25th I posted this update. We had just completed our Home Study and were optimistic that we would be "paperwork ready" by the time school started.

Yeah. About that.

Rob and I have both started back to school.
Me at Tabor. Rob at Hillsboro High.
We are still waiting to hear back from USCIS with our i-600a approval.

So, basically we are still at the same place as our last update.
Which I know doesn't sound that encouraging.

BUT.
The truth is that we feel very encouraged about what God is going. 

While August did not involve sending our dossier to Ethiopia as we had hoped,
the last 6 weeks have been FULL of GOODNESS. 

we see God at work. and it is GOOD.

My dear friends Sara Jo & Amanda hosted a Noonday Collection Party.

Our ambassador Holly was WONDERFUL. So down-to-earth, kind, and fun.

It was a wonderful morning of fellowship, beautiful jewelry, advocacy and more.

 I got a couple fun pieces, too.
The story behind this yellow SHALOM necklace is powerful.
a story of redemption.
of hope.
lives touched by grace and the means to provide income.
every time I wear it I will remember sweet Shalom,
the ugandan child who is with her mom and adoptive dad.
supported by this business.

go check out there new Fall line here. 

Noonday supports vulnerable families in countries around the world. 

And they host parties as adoption fundraisers. 

15% of proceeds from our party went straight back toward our adoption. 

beauty for all. 

- -- -- - - - - - - - - --- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 Last week we held a big fundraiser meal 

at the local Farmer's Market. 

my beautiful grandma came to help us prepare a meal for 200 people. 

2 types of pasta.

3 different sauces. 

salad.

garlic bread.

and cookies. 

cookies upon cookies.

but aren't they cute?!?!

Rob bought the cookie cutter from Sole Hope.

(another great organization serving and loving the "least of these")

we made over $2000 profit from this meal. 

it was incredible. 

our friends helped us plan the entire thing. 

they cooked, baked, and organized. 

they sent out an invitation to our community and church asking them to get involved. 

we were blown away. 

and blessed. 

so blessed. 

So, while August seemed slow on the paperwork side. 

it was really busy in other areas. 

and there is more coming. 

We will be having a booth at the Hillsboro Arts & Crafts fair.
stay tuned for more info soon!

Thanks, again, for journeying with us. 

and allowing us to journey with you. 

love, 

rob and erica

steady my heart

my prayer this morning.

even when it hurts

even when its hard

....

I will run to You. 

.......

we're home!

after 23 days and 22 nights,

4500 miles on the highway,

and countless beautiful moments

we are h.o.m.e.

...our trip looked like this...

-camped 2 nights in southern Colorado-

-camped 2 nights at the Grand Canyon-

-spent 1 night/18 hours in Las Vegas-

-spent 1 night with Rob's parents/1day at the beach with Rob's family-

-spent 2 nights/1 day in Bakersfield visiting family/friends/memory lane for Rob-

-camped 1 night in Sequoia National Park-

-camped 2 nights in Yosemite National Park-

-stayed 1 night in Monterey, CA/drove down Hwy 1 (Pacific Coast Hwy)-

-stayed 3 nights with friends in San Luis Obispo, CA-

-celebrated the wedding of Kenny+Seleena-

-stayed 1 night in St. George, UT-

-stayed 3 nights in Denver with friends-

-stayed 1 night in Ft. Collins, CO with my dear, sweet friend-

-stayed 2 nights in Holyoke, CO to celebrate the marriage of Brent+Brittany-

and then we were home. 

and it was good. :)

good to be gone.

good to be together.

good to be home. 

good to have space.

goodness all around. 

I am eager to share stories, 

pictures, 

and lessons from the road.

but, did I mention that our basement imploded/flooded while we were gone?

yeah. somewhere between Utah and Colorado that happened.

so, I'll get to those pictures and photos eventually. 

I'll probably use editing pictures and posting blogs as a *healthy* avoidance of the millions of other things I need to get done. 

can't wait to share more soon!

until then

I should work on unpacking this mess. 

love, 

E